Goodbye, cake.

I have felt like a drug addict waiting to go to treatment ever since I decided to sign up for the Fitness Challenge at the gym.

I have eaten everything I could get my hands on since I made this decision. Each meal, inching ever closer to my quit date…

My last supper.

I haven’t worked out in ages. I’ve quit going for walks. Sometimes I still do yoga, but not the kind that makes you sweat. I am officially out-of-shape.

I have a very stressful job. And when I get stressed, the only coping skill I have is to eat cake. And for the last year and a half, I have eaten a lot of cake.

I am writing this letter because cake and I need to break up. Cake doesn’t make me feel better. Well, maybe for a minute, but… just like drugs, it doesn’t last. And afterwards, I feel worse.

So, today, we are breaking up.

I have joined a gym. I have weighed in. I have been measured. I have proven to myself that I am as out-of-shape as I have ever been in my life. I can’t even do one push-up. It was ugly.

So, at 205.5 pounds, I am stopping the madness. I have to find other ways to de-stress… to de-compress… after work… and not just after work… whenever I am tempted to use food to change the way I feel.

I have written about this before. I have tried this before. I am not going to let that stop me. I have got to do something different and why not this… why not now?

Goodbye, cake.

A little help from my friends.

image

I am thrilled by the response to my first post. I’ll be honest… I believe that I got exactly what I was looking for when I decided to put my situation out there.

Thank you to those of you who were willing to make suggestions and those who were willing to share a little about your own experience.

Since Saturday, I have had some excellent conversations, gotten some great ideas, and done some things differently.

I’ve still got my work cut out for me.

image

But I believe that with your support, I’m up to the task.

I have already taken to heart one of the most important  suggestions.

Some of you have pointed out that this isn’t necessarily about food…
Food has been the quick fix.

I need to take better care of myself.

I work way too much.

It’s easy to do in an environment where there is so much need and such limited resources. But the end result has been to feel burned-out and not much good to anyone including myself.

…too tired to exercise… too stressed to make healthy decisions about food… too distracted to make meaningful connections with others…  too burned-out to take care of myself the way that I suggest to others to take care of themselves…

You’re right.

So right it made me cry. But maybe I needed just that.

Thank you.

Thank you for being a friend.

Thank you for being a friend enough to tell me what I need to hear.

The jumping-off place.

wpid-wp-1417355381263.jpeg

What is a watershed moment?

A critical turning point.
What it is actually is a moment in time where everything changes. A point in time when nothing after will ever be the same as before. To call it a turning point technically is true, but it is an overly simplistic definition of the phrase.

The figurative meaning comes from the literal meaning of a point, or division in a river, or stream where the river is split into two distinct paths that will not intersect again. (from Answers.com)

200.4

This is the most I have weighed since before I got married eight years ago.

I have a gym membership. I don’t go. If I go, I don’t stick with it.

I have a weight watchers membership. I even go to the meetings pretty regularly. But, I don’t track my food and I have not consistently cut back.

It’s not working.

Some things have definitely changed. I recently discovered that I am in “early” menopause.

Some things haven’t. I still work all the time. I don’t take the time to eat right. I don’t take the time to exercise. I make plenty of excuses.

It’s not working.

I have gone up a jean size. or two. I am uncomfortable. I don’t want my picture taken. My feet and my knees hurt.

This can be my “watershed moment” … my “jumping off place” but only if I do something different.

I don’t want this to be an “f’ it” moment.

I am already dealing with the consequences of too many of those… too many “I’ll start over over on Monday” moments.

I need to start now.

It’s not going to be easy.

wpid-img_20141012_182332.jpg

I need help. I am asking for suggestions. I am asking for support.