Goodbye, cake.

I have felt like a drug addict waiting to go to treatment ever since I decided to sign up for the Fitness Challenge at the gym.

I have eaten everything I could get my hands on since I made this decision. Each meal, inching ever closer to my quit date…

My last supper.

I haven’t worked out in ages. I’ve quit going for walks. Sometimes I still do yoga, but not the kind that makes you sweat. I am officially out-of-shape.

I have a very stressful job. And when I get stressed, the only coping skill I have is to eat cake. And for the last year and a half, I have eaten a lot of cake.

I am writing this letter because cake and I need to break up. Cake doesn’t make me feel better. Well, maybe for a minute, but… just like drugs, it doesn’t last. And afterwards, I feel worse.

So, today, we are breaking up.

I have joined a gym. I have weighed in. I have been measured. I have proven to myself that I am as out-of-shape as I have ever been in my life. I can’t even do one push-up. It was ugly.

So, at 205.5 pounds, I am stopping the madness. I have to find other ways to de-stress… to de-compress… after work… and not just after work… whenever I am tempted to use food to change the way I feel.

I have written about this before. I have tried this before. I am not going to let that stop me. I have got to do something different and why not this… why not now?

Goodbye, cake.

A little help from my friends.

image

I am thrilled by the response to my first post. I’ll be honest… I believe that I got exactly what I was looking for when I decided to put my situation out there.

Thank you to those of you who were willing to make suggestions and those who were willing to share a little about your own experience.

Since Saturday, I have had some excellent conversations, gotten some great ideas, and done some things differently.

I’ve still got my work cut out for me.

image

But I believe that with your support, I’m up to the task.

I have already taken to heart one of the most important  suggestions.

Some of you have pointed out that this isn’t necessarily about food…
Food has been the quick fix.

I need to take better care of myself.

I work way too much.

It’s easy to do in an environment where there is so much need and such limited resources. But the end result has been to feel burned-out and not much good to anyone including myself.

…too tired to exercise… too stressed to make healthy decisions about food… too distracted to make meaningful connections with others…¬† too burned-out to take care of myself the way that I suggest to others to take care of themselves…

You’re right.

So right it made me cry. But maybe I needed just that.

Thank you.

Thank you for being a friend.

Thank you for being a friend enough to tell me what I need to hear.

The jumping-off place.

wpid-wp-1417355381263.jpeg

What is a watershed moment?

A critical turning point.
What it is actually is a moment in time where everything changes. A point in time when nothing after will ever be the same as before. To call it a turning point technically is true, but it is an overly simplistic definition of the phrase.

The figurative meaning comes from the literal meaning of a point, or division in a river, or stream where the river is split into two distinct paths that will not intersect again. (from Answers.com)

200.4

This is the most I have weighed since before I got married eight years ago.

I have a gym membership. I don’t go. If I go, I don’t stick with it.

I have a weight watchers membership. I even go to the meetings pretty regularly. But, I don’t track my food and I have not consistently cut back.

It’s not working.

Some things have definitely changed. I recently discovered that I am in “early” menopause.

Some things haven’t. I still work all the time. I don’t take the time to eat right. I don’t take the time to exercise. I make plenty of excuses.

It’s not working.

I have gone up a jean size. or two. I am uncomfortable. I don’t want my picture taken. My feet and my knees hurt.

This can be my “watershed moment” … my “jumping off place” but only if I do something different.

I don’t want this to be an “f’ it” moment.

I am already dealing with the consequences of too many of those… too many “I’ll start over over on Monday” moments.

I need to start now.

It’s not going to be easy.

wpid-img_20141012_182332.jpg

I need help. I am asking for suggestions. I am asking for support.